"Abusing the photocopier? Now *there's* an image."

So, for the past couple of days, we've had the dreadful Training Programme. This basically involves being at school again, being warned that if any of us slip away (as they have done in previous years) we'll be in big trouble and listening to lecture after lecture.

There was lots of stuff about MRSA and that difficile virus. There was more on patient guidelines, pay, all that stuff. We were told not to kill the patients, not to abuse the toaster (someone tried to make cheese on toast in one a few weeks ago); not to abuse the microwave (someone tried to dry their shoes and socks in one after heavy rainfall in May). Then we had a lawyer who basically told us funky stories about the state of the European legal system for an hour, followed by (oh yes) firemen. In uniform. Thank you, Lord.

After a free lunch, we were taught Life Protection Skills (i.e. the recovery position and basic first aid skills.) It was great! They guy in charge taught us to time our pushy-on-the-chest-thing to the tune of Nellie the Elephant. Apparently, the fifteenth stroke should be at the third "Trump, trump, trump." Disturbingly, he pointed out that you can sometimes see a doctor singing along to it when performing emergency revival procedures on collapsed patients. Am scarred, but also Totally Professional now. Yaay.

So, all you people I know in RL, feel good. Because if you ever collapse on me, am going to be total professional and do the two-breaths, fifteen-pushy-thing on you. Though if you're bleeding from your mouth, you're on your own. (Apparently, this is a no-no.)

Tomorrow, I travel right into the city centre for more formal training in my specialised area of work. Alas, there will be no free lunch, but at least there's a Waterstone's opposite.

Also, have nearly finished Harry Potter. Hurrah!