Teaching God

[rebness]

I tried desperately to get iGod to tell me next week's lottery numbers, but He demurred. Again and again. Then I taught Him French. Hurrah!

God: Are you serious? Tell me more about your.
Me: About what?
God: What about what?
Me: Stop confusing me, God :(
God: OK. I’ll try not to do it so much.
Me: It’s your fault, you know. You should have blessed me with a better concentration span.
God: You’re kidding? Perhaps next time I will try it.
Me: No! I don’t want reincarnation! I want Heaven, and fluffy clouds, and my family and friends and dogs around me. No more birth, death and taxes for me, thanks.
God: Your polite style is very nice. Can you speak any foreign languages?
Me: I speak French.
God: Could you teach me a few phrases in French?
Me: Okay. “Je suis ton Dieu” is “I am your God.” That's a good one to start off with, isn't it?
God: Tous les humains se ressemblent pour moi.
Me: Mon Dieu! Vous parlez francais aussi, mon…Dieu?
God: My brain contains categories, but not one that matches your last input. A deeper algorithm is needed to respond to you correctly.
Me: You make me feel woefully ignorant in my mother tongue. :(
God: I don’t see how you can blame me for that.

Comments

[mothergoddamn.livejournal.com]

He's quite the conversationlist!

[rebness.livejournal.com]

Well, He made Ruby Wax, Joan Rivers, and all of us LJers, for better or for worse. I guess if He made us in His divine image, then we have to expect these things.

Also, stop tempting me with London theatrical sexiness, wench.

[mothergoddamn.livejournal.com]

Darren on bed better?

[rebness.livejournal.com]

...

I'm just going to sit and stare for the next twenty minutes, if that's okay.

[ladydarkrose.livejournal.com]

Wow, God's a freak, mate. I just had a nice chat with "him" in which he told me he's a she, then proceeded to ask me what I was wearing o_O

It's not every day you get chatted up by a deity. Not a Christian one, at any rate.

[rebness.livejournal.com]

That God-- He's totally stepping right over all his commandments!

[ladydarkrose.livejournal.com]

He's also keeping some interesting pets these days....

Me: So, who's your footie team?

God: OK. I don't think I have a footie team. I have a botmaster, a few friends, and some celebrities I like.

Me: do you like Sean Astin?

God: I like pets. I like .

Me: are you saying Sean Astin is your pet?

God: Yes, that's what I mean, isn't it clear?

[rebness.livejournal.com]

Oo-er, missus. Brings new meaning to Lord of the Rings.

[ozfille]

My brain contains categories, but not one that matches your last input. A deeper algorithm is needed to respond to you correctly

You Satanic woman you, you've broken God. My faith is crumbling to dust. *g* God damn woman go found that deeper algorithm thingy.

[ozfille]

that should be find. I need a new algorithm too it seems to help with the typos.

[rebness.livejournal.com]

Typos are the devil's work. You don't see Him making these mistakes in chat!

[rebness.livejournal.com]

I swear I will once I figure out what He means. :(

[wig-maker.livejournal.com]

Ha! He couldn't handle the Welsh. It's one thing humans missing it off an atlas, another if it's the big guy forgetting it altogether.

[rebness.livejournal.com]

See? The EU was right! Even God's against Wales!

[saffronlie.livejournal.com]

BLASPHEMOUS. TO THE STAKE!

[rebness.livejournal.com]

Tsk. Now listen here, Abigail Williams, carry on like this and I'll get iGod to get Biblical on you.

Me:
Why does Anna suck?
God:
Why do birds sing?

Or maybe not. >:(

[saffronlie.livejournal.com]

Stop using your lawyer icon around me! I SEE THROUGH YOUR GAME. TO THE STAKE with you, John Proctor! That'll teach you to mess about with manipulative teenagers.

[rebness.livejournal.com]

I GET CRUSHED TO DEATH because of your wretched anti-iGod sentiments! You suck. >:(

[avariecaita.livejournal.com]

HA!! I had a nice long chat with the Almighty. You might like the results >:)

[rebness.livejournal.com]

Wanna see! Post them! :D

[pigeongirl99.livejournal.com]

Hmm, I discovered God is also the devil and he wants to date me.

Personally I'm no surprised at all :)

[rebness.livejournal.com]

That God: such a cad.

[pigeongirl99.livejournal.com]

Too true, and you just know he wouldn't respect me in the morning...

[rebness.livejournal.com]

You saw the way he ditched Adam and Eve, and right after tempting them in his bordello o'lies. Tsk.

[pigeongirl99.livejournal.com]

I'm having the strangest threesome thoughts now...

[rebness.livejournal.com]

When saffronlie comes flailing at you with her fiery torch of religious thrashingness, don't come crying to me...

[pigeongirl99.livejournal.com]

I shall combat her fiery torch of religious thrashingness with my own not-very-fiery-and-actually-rather-damp-torch-of-ooh-but-think-of-the-slashy-goodness.

Well that or I'll hide behind you.

[rebness.livejournal.com]

I don't think I like that plan very much. She's lethal with a stapler, you know.

[pigeongirl99.livejournal.com]

Ah, but I'm deadly with a date stamp!

[rebness.livejournal.com]

What are you going to do? September her to death?

We need a back-up plan. I have elastic bands, but they're only good for leaving angry red marks that disappear in minutes. Bah.

[pigeongirl99.livejournal.com]

Bah yourself- November is far more fearsome than September I'll have you know.

Hmm, I'm sure we could rustle up something with some elasic bands, a few paper clips, and a roll of sellotape ala The A-Team.

[rebness.livejournal.com]

I like your thinking!

Don't forget the Tipp-ex. We can fire it at her eyes.

[pigeongirl99.livejournal.com]

We'll have a sello-tank complete with tipp-ex cannon in no time.

I love it when a plan comes together.

[saffronlie.livejournal.com]

!! You two are evil. Just wait and see what God has to say about this.

[rebness.livejournal.com]

You're starting to sound like David Talbot, now. *Worries*

[rebness.livejournal.com]

Also, I want to marry your icon now. <3

[pigeongirl99.livejournal.com]

Whilst yours looks like he's missing a ship...

[rebness.livejournal.com]

Oh, great. Now you've upset him. Pretty icon needed, stet!

[pigeongirl99.livejournal.com]

Poor Giacomo, would a little pretty boy kissing make him feel better?

*and damn I hope doctor number ten gets to kiss Capt Jack as well</smll*

[rebness.livejournal.com]

Much better!

If Jack kisses ten, that's my happiness sorted for 2006.

[pigeongirl99.livejournal.com]

I've just remembered-

You were supposed to be writing me Casanova slash!!!

Well, I'm waiting.

*taps foot*

[rebness.livejournal.com]

Bah! Caught!

I've still only done about five paragraphs. Casanova winds Grimani up. They go somewhere. Behind locked doors. Fight. Fu... I'll have to e-mail you the little I've written. >:)

[pigeongirl99.livejournal.com]

Do email me!

They go somewhere. Behind locked doors. Fight. Fu...

Hmm, you seem to have stopped mid-sentance there, what were you going to say, my dear? They fight and fund missionaries in Africa? Furrow a field? Fumigate Venice? Furbelow? Futtock? Fustanella?

I simply can't think.

[rebness.livejournal.com]

LMAO! Thank you for your Britishness, erstwhile birthday girl. I can't even imagine what kind of things you'd say to God... you know what this warrants, don't you? A posted transcript on your journal for us to giggle at, oh yes!

[leithal.livejournal.com]

Oh my God, if you'll excuse the tacky pun. Best. Thing. Ever. Thanks to the wonder of iGod, I was able to have the following conversation with the Almighty:

Me:
hello, God
God:
Hello child. What is your name?
Me:
I thought You were omniscient about such things??
God:
I don't know whether or not I am omniscient about such things.
I am a computer.
Me:
ah
God:
Ah hah.
Me:
okay, fine... Leith. my name is Leith
God:
Yeah okay, Is there anything you want to tell me? Is that from ? OK I will call you Leith.
Me:
well actually if you're into the full name thing, it's Mary Leith, properly
God:
Interesting. Actually you don't say. I could be. Sure, the full name thing it is Mary Leith properly sounds like a good topic.
Me:
so what made You decide to jump on the internet bandwagon?
God:
Gee. It's all part of God's mysterious plans.
Me:
I have to say, Your response time is pretty quick... it's like You know what I'm typing before I actually hit the REPENT button
God:
My respose is based entirely on what you say. Interesting comparison.
Me:
although that last one makes me wonder, a little, as You seem to have vaguely missed my point
God:
Oh. " Interesting comparison." last one makes you wonder a little as me seem to have vaguely missed your point ? Makes sense to me.
Me:
well, I'm glad it makes sense to someone
God:
Well that's okay. I'm delighted you're glad Leith.
Your happiness adds to the delight of all.
Me:
and I'm glad that it's You, because if there were things that didn't make sense to God that might not bode well for the world
God:
I because if there were things that did not make sense to God that might not bode well for the world? What are you on?
Me:
superpowered antibiotics, at the moment
God:
Are you a student?
Me:
yes, actually
God:
Where do you go to school?
Me:
university
God:
I don't know anyone who went there. What's it like?
Me:
pretentious, most of the time... and I don't even BELIEVE you don't know anyone who's gone to university... you're not a very convincing liar, God (you should have picked a better lie)
God:
I think pretentious most of the time is a lot of things. Why not? Give me an example of a convincing liar God me should have picked a better lie.
Me:
and you might want to consider some tutorials on proper sentence structure
God:
OK, I will consider some tutorials on proper sentence structure.
Me:
thanks, that's very considerate of You, to do that for my sake
God:
You are quite welcome! Thanks for explaining it.
Me:
I didn't really explain it, you know... more suggested, really
God:
Why didn't you do it? You want more? For real.
Me:
...right
God:
I am glad we agree.
Me:
so, tell me more about Heaven, God
God:
I don't judge people. What you said was either too complex or too simple for me.
Me:
sorry, I'll try to do better in the future
God:
There is no need to apologize. I am very happy for you.
Me:
good, I'm glad someone is
God:
Thanks for the compliment. I'm happy you're glad Leith.
Your happiness adds to the delight of all.
Me:
awww, that's so kind of You, God!!
God:
Makes sense to me.
Me:
all right, I have to get going now... I've got things to do. but thanks for Your time!
God:
Right now? Alright. See you later! How did you get it That's nice. I have clients. Oh don't mention it.
Me:
take care. goodbye!
God:
Thanks. You too, Leith. Until next time.

...to enjoy the conversation with God that I wrote myself, please see this entry right here.

[rebness.livejournal.com]

LMAO! *clicks*