Glee!Fic: Father's Day

[rebness]

Title: Father's Day

Beta/Muse/Frenemy: mothergoddamn <3

Pairings/Characters: Kurt/Finn bonding, slight Finn/Blaine

Spoilers: through season 2. Cheeky reference to The Simpsons.

Warnings: Hungry!Finn

Summary: Finn and Kurt are out on the hunt for the perfect Father's Day present for Burt. Lots of banter, friendly rivalry... and McDonalds.

This is the first time I've written in Glee fandom. Hope someone likes it! 




'I'm hungry.'

Finn pulled up short, perplexed. He had a problem and someone was going to do something about it. He looked to Kurt expectantly. His brother totally wasn't paying attention; he'd picked up another freaking candle and was staring at it like it was Pandora's Cube or something.

'I said, I'm hungry.'

Kurt sighed. 'I know, Finn. I heard you the first time you bellowed it across the store. You'll just have to hold on.'

'For what!'

'We have to find Dad at least one present before lunch, or--'

'What? We'll turn into goddamn pumpkins!'

Mmm, a pumpkin would sure be good right now.

Kurt turned to him, all prissy and up in his face. 'Look, Finn,' he said in an undertone, 'drop the Stanley Kowalski act. It got tired an hour ago. Father's Day is the most important day of the year to me--'

'Get out! More than Christmas?'

'--The most important day to me, and you're not going to ruin it. So, please. Help me out here.'

'Sure, sure,' said Finn, 'I understand.' He frowned. 'But we will get something to eat, right? After this?'

'We had sushi less than an hour ago!'

'That's not proper food!' he protested reasonably.

Kurt closed his eyes and began to count to ten.

'Why are you counting?'

'Finn, just go and... find something!' cried Kurt, waving his hand in the direction of the door. 'I'm sure you'll be okay. I'll be over here.' He stalked off to the other end of the store.

Finn nodded. 'Cool!' He knew exactly what this moment called for.

*

'Excuse me, Sir?'

Kurt looked up from the Hermes scarf he was molesting and into the earnest face of a shop assistant. 'Yes?'

'I'm sorry but-- The boy you're looking after, your ward, I think you might need to--" She grabbed a chunk of her hair. "I--'

'My ward? I'm not a carer. I'm still in--' He followed her gaze and his jaw made small talk with his toes. 'Oh, dear God in heaven.

'Yes, we have a handyman coming out to remove his arm from the vending machine.'

Kurt made his way over sharing tight smiles with the passerbys shaking their heads at him.

'Finn!' he hissed. 'What the hell are you doing?'

'I thought we could give Burt this iPod,' Finn wriggled his fingers in the glass case. 'For Father's Day.'

Kurt lowered to his knees. 'You want to give my Dad something you stole from a vending machine? Am I hearing this correctly?'

'I put 50 cents in! I won it from a vending machine. Won.'

'Your hand is trapped! How is this winning?'

'Sir, could you stand back? James is here with the saw.' The assistant placed her hand on Finn's shoulder. 'Don't you worry, champ. You'll be out of here in no time.'

Kurt stepped up and kept his eyes trained to the floor. He'd kill him. He'd make it look like an accident. A stiletto boot was accidentally impaled in the moron's neck. People wouldn't even blink. This was Finn.

'Wait, Kurt. You don't think Burt would want an iPod?' Finn asked, twisting his neck impossibly.

'Dad still has a walkman, Finn! No, I don't think he'd want you to break an arm to get one!'

'Right.' Finn unclenched his fist, released the iPod, and eased his arm out. Standing he dusted down his jeans, smiled at the assistant and walked to the exit. 'Time for some McDonalds!'

Two stiletto heels. One right in the groin.

*


Two cheeseburgers, a Big Mac, a milkshake and fries. Finn scrutinised the tray, wondering if it was enough. That sushi hadn't even touched the sides. 'You sure you're not hungry?' asked Finn, setting his tray down. 'I coulda double supersized it for you if you wanted.'

'No,' said Kurt coldly. He wiped the table and recoiled when he realised it was still sticky to the touch. 'I can't believe you made a show of me like that. They think you have problems.'

'Who do?' asked Finn.

'The authorities.'

'Well, I kinda do. I'm still hung up on Quinn.'

'Not like that,' sighed Kurt. 'I mean, they asked me the name of my superior at the organisation.'

'What organisation?'

'The one looking after you. They said I was negligent.'

Finn shrugged. 'You kinda were.'

'I'm not looking after you!' exploded Kurt.

Another shrug. 'But if you'd just let me go get some food, none of this would've happened.' He shoved a fisful of fries into his mouth with dramatic emphasis.

'I just... do you know that they're not even made of potatoes?'

'They taste like potatoes to me,' said Finn. 'Delicious potatoes. Mr. Shue says I should eat as much as I want because I'm A donnis.'

'I think Shue has a thing for you.'

'Nah, he just thinks I'm awesome.' Finn took a swig of his milkshake and burped happily. 'Lots of people think that.'

'Except Quinn or Rachel. Who is it this week?'

Finn looked troubled, confused. 'Man, I don't know. Quinn started off mad at me and then she was okay and then Rachel was mad but I don't know if it was because of the duet or because of the cheerleader orgy thing.'

Kurt raised an eyebrow. 'The Cheerleader orgy thing?'

'It's not as good as it sounds,' said Finn. 'that's what Rachel called it. But it totally wasn't. It was just a thing with cheerleaders.'

'An orgy thing?'

'No!' Finn discarded his straw and opened the milkshake (for one awful, awful moment, Kurt thought this was going to be a variant of the slushie saga) and swallowed the rest of the drink in one large gulp.

'Anaconda,' muttered Kurt.

'Let's go!' said Finn. He frowned. 'Why are you hiding under the table?'


~


'Ta-dah!' said Kurt.

'What?'

'Ta-dah!' he said again, brandishing the satchel in Finn's face.

'It's a man-purse,' said Finn.

'It's a satchel. And now my dad has the most stylish satchel in the neighbourhood.'

'Dude, you mad at him or something?'

Kurt frowned. 'I've searched this store high and low for something useful for him and this is the best thing.'

'That's because the rest of the stuff is like scarves and silk shirts.'

'Silk shirts I'm trying on,' said Kurt. He took off his coat and handed it to Finn. 'Hold this. And my bags. And my cell. I'm going to try this on. $250. This season's must-have. I don't know how I got by without it!'

'But--' said Finn. He scowled as Kurt dashed off to the changing rooms and seated himself on the Manly Chair For Waiting. 'Stupid Kurt and his stupid shirt. I should be doing something awesome right now. Not staring at shirts and drapes.' He scowled even harder when Kurt's cell began to ring. Blaine's number flashed up. He pressed 'accept' just to stop Lady Gaga shouting at him.

'Uh, hello?'

'Kurt?'

Wait a minute. He could totally pull a prank on Kurt here. He coughed, attempted his highest voice. 'Yes, it's me.'

'Kurt? Your voice sounds really strange.'

'Uh, yeah. I got my balls trapped in the zipper.'

'You--'

'Yeah, it's too... harassingly unsatisfactory.' If Kurt used big words, so could Finn.

'Poor baby,' whispered Blaine. 'Are you in there now?'

'In where?'

'The changing rooms, Kurt! Did you hit your head, as well?'

'Uh, yes. It was most unsatisfactory.'

'Poor Kurt,' purred Blaine. 'All alone, naked.'

'Whoah! I'm not naked. I have like my shirt on.'

'But I'm not wearing my blazer. Do you think I'm bad?'

'Er,' Finn shook his head. 'No? Are you hot?'

'I am so hot. Are you hot, baby?'

'Then-- then it's a good thing you took it off? Uh, and I'm fine. Temperature wise.'

'But it's against school rules,' Blaine whined, 'I'm going to get in to sooo much trouble.'

'Well, maybe you should put it back on,' Finn was starting to think this hadn't been the best idea. Blaine was freakin' weird.

'Or maybe you should spank me?'

'Whoah!' gasped Finn, 'I--'

'Where's your hand? Are you touching yourself? I am. I'm arching up into--'

'Tunnel!' Finn shut the cell off and stood there, gasping. Was it hot in here? His pants felt pretty damned tight right now.

'Finn?'

'Yes?' he squeaked, turning to face Kurt.

'The top just didn't suit me. The collection this season is so uninspiring. Let's go.'

Finn nodded. 'Uh, here's your coat. And your cell.' He frowned. 'Nothing. Totally nothing! I mean, what happened!'

Kurt raised an eyebrow. 'Let's get out of here. Being in a store that doesn't sell hotdogs or sports gear is obviously addling your mind.'

*


They made their way across the mall, Finn rejecting the ideas Kurt suggested and sadly agreeing that a playstation game or a new ipod probably wasn't a good idea. He was exhausted and grumpy and hungry, all over again. And then salvation came along.

'Hey, it's one of those nerd shops!' he said. 'Let's go in! There'll be something here.'

'But they don't wash!' protested Kurt as he was dragged into the store. He pulled his arm from Finn's bear-like grasp and stood near the door, huffing as Finn blundered through the displays. He hoped Finn wouldn't smash one of those Lord of the Rings figurines. They were probably about $5,000 for one.

His cell rumbled and he took it out of his pocket. 'THANK YOU' flashed up from Blaine. He frowned.

For what? he texted back.

'Whoah!' Finn was saying, staring at one of the glass cases. 'I can't believe this. I have to have it!' He watched as the clerk pulled the opening up. 'Is it genuine?'

'Of course it's genuine. It's a 1955 Topps Harmon Killebrew Rookie. Very hard to come by.'

Kurt walked up to the counter and frowned. 'It's... a card,' he said flatly.

'Yes, sir. It is, indeed.'

Finn turned to the clerk. 'How much is this?'

'$150.'

'Man, that's expensive,' said Finn. He considered. 'Okay, I'll take it.' He handed over his credit card. 'But I want it wrapped all fancy and shit.'

'We don't wrap baseball cards,' said the clerk, promptly handing him the baseball card in a sad little bag.

'Kurt! How can I make this all nice and stuff?'

'By not buying a baseball card?'

Finn laughed. 'Nah, I'm buying it. Burt'll love it.'

'Dad doesn't collect baseball cards.'

Finn gaped. 'Are you serious? Dude, he has freaking hundreds of cards! He's shown me the collection like a thousand times.'

'He's-- he's never even spoken to me about it!'

'Because you wouldn't be interested. You'd call him a trollogdite or something.'

'Troglodyte.'

'Way harsh. I was only explaining.'

'Explaining!' seethed Kurt, 'what do you mean? You think I don't know my own dad!'

'Yeah, but I know--'

'You don't know anything!' snarled Kurt. 'You don't know him! He's not really--' he pushed past Finn, rage surging through him. With every step he took away from Finn, he felt the anger subside. He'd said too much. He'd gone too far. He must have hurt Finn terribly and now-- he felt a hand on his shoulder and knew that he deserved the punch or the slushie about to be levelled at him.

'Hey,' said Finn, turning him around. 'Hey!'

'Finn, I'm--'

'Can we go back to McDonalds?'

'Another meal?' asked Kurt, 'seriously?'

'Just a coke,' said Finn. 'I need the sugar fix.'

'A moment on the lips, lifetime on the hips,' warned Kurt, but Finn was already walking back to McDonalds, a sense of purpose in his stride.

Kurt followed with a sigh. For once, he didn't feel like he really had the moral high ground with Finn.

He sidled into the same booth they had used earlier that day and watched as Finn came over, massive drink in hand. 'Finn,' he said, 'I'm... I shouldn't have been so cruel. I'm sorry.'

'It's okay,' said Finn, shaking his head. 'I wouldn't want anyone stealing my dad, either. I'd punch them in the face.'

'It wasn't right of me. It's not right.'

'Hmm.' Finn took a long drink and stared ahead, contemplating (probably about food, decided Kurt). They didn't speak for some time.

'What are you thinking about?' asked Kurt finally. May as well get the request for a hotdog over with.

Finn shrugged. 'Rachel's dads.'

'Rachel's da-- Finn, we're supposed to be concentrating on my... I mean, our dad!' said Kurt, exasperated. 'What about Rachel's dads?'

'Well,' said Finn, 'If I married Rachel, they'd have to walk her up the aisle twice. So that they could both get a go. That would totally suck.'

'I'm sure they'll work around it,' said Kurt dryly.

Finn took another swig of his coke. 'I'm glad I'm not a girl.'

'What?'

'I'd be so embarrased if I couldn't have my dad there, and all.' He shrugged sadly. 'It doesn't matter, does it, Kurt?'

Kurt felt like the worst low-life ever. 'You--' he choked, 'you have a father.'

'Not really. You said before--'

'Yes, really. I'm such a troglodyte sometimes: I say things I don't mean. Finn, if only one of us can get married to the person we love, then... I'm glad you can give my dad something I can't.'

Finn handed him the bag. 'You want the baseball card?'

He laughed. 'No, Finn. I don't want the baseball card. Look, Dad's going to love your present and he's going to be perplexed by mine and try and pretend he loves it and knows what it is. It's okay, it's what we both expect. It's why he's the best father we could have. It's why if you can't have your own dad right now, today, you have one who's going to be glad to have someone like you in his life.'

Finn considered. 'Even though I totalled the car last week?'

'It gave him something to work on.'

'Man, I'm the greatest son ever.'

Kurt smiled. He was about to speak when his cell rumbled again. He took it out and stared at the message which flashed up from Blaine:

I thought you wouldn't be into it x

He must mean the shopping trip. Kurt had spent weeks complaining about this upcoming venture. He wrote back:

It wasn't so bad. I learned something new today.

Another message:

Hope your balls are okay now.

He frowned. 'Blaine's weird sometimes.'

Finn coughed. 'Totally.'

Comments

[absinthe90.livejournal.com]

I cheated and read it now. It was so, so bitter-sweet! And terribly amusing.

The interaction is very spot-on - Kurt's insecurity leading him to lash out and Finn not even being angry about it.

Favourite line: 'Dude, you mad at him or something?' XD

Boo to Blaine, but bonus points for Finn's latent gayness.8D

Is there a line missing in here?

Finn gaped. 'Are you serious? Dude, he has freaking hundreds of cards! He's showed me the collection like a thousand times.'

'Because you wouldn't be interested. You'd call him a trollogdite or something.'

[rebness.livejournal.com]

Heehee, thanks. I'm really glad you enjoyed it. Perhaps I shall progress on to more blatant Furt. <3


There was indeed! It's totes Kelly's fault, not mine. Fixed!

[absinthe90.livejournal.com]

You know you want to, babycakes. Klaine schmaine. Er, am I allowed to say so on other people's journals? Oh well.

[rebness.livejournal.com]

Hahahaha. A+ gif tbh

KURTOFSKY <3

[mothergoddamn.livejournal.com]

"

HATERS TO THE RIGHT, TBH

Re: KURTOFSKY <3

[absinthe90.livejournal.com]

ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. TRIGGERED!

Re: KURTOFSKY <3

[prosen8966.livejournal.com]

Funniest gif EVER!!

Re: KURTOFSKY <3

[absinthe90.livejournal.com]

Tee hee, thank you! I'm generally not a Kurtofsky fan, but this gif is A+.>:D

Re: KURTOFSKY <3

[rebness.livejournal.com]

A+++++++

[icefalcon5767.livejournal.com]

Awesomely cute :) This was just right, lol.

~hugz~

[rebness.livejournal.com]

Yay! Glad you liked it. Thanks for reading. :D

[aoitsukikage.livejournal.com]

Aw, I loved this :)

Your Finn is awesome. Seriously. ‘Pandora’s Cube.’ *snerk*

And I think you got Kurt’s insecurities spot-on. We all know Burt loves him deeply but, let’s face it, Kurt’s never going to be able to buy the perfect man-gift xP

And Blaine. Oh, man, I was dying of laughter.

Thanks for sharing :)

[rebness.livejournal.com]

Hey, thanks for reading and thanks for the comment. I was a bit nervous about posting this, so I'm glad to see people liking it.

Yeah, I can't imagine Kurt getting him the more appropriate gift, but I imagine both he and Burt are fine with that. <3

Thanks again!

[myownghost.livejournal.com]

Oh, I laughed so hard, I nearly choked on my Frosted Flakes! :D

>Mr. Shue says I should eat as much as I want because I'm A donnis.'

Yes, baby, you are A donnis, and how. *g*

When I got to the cell call between Finn and Blaine, I lost it. My son was concerned about my mental state.

This is just wonderful.

[rebness.livejournal.com]

Heehee. He truly is a very happy Adonis. <3

Thanks for reading! I'm really glad you enjoyed it. :D

[myownghost.livejournal.com]

By the way, I enjoyed the hark-back to Homer and the vending machine!

[rebness.livejournal.com]

Glad you did! One of the best ever moments in The Simpsons. :D

[mothergoddamn.livejournal.com]

Wild thing? You move me.

[rebness.livejournal.com]

You make everything... kinda groovy.

[psyko-kittie.livejournal.com]

*dies laughing* Freaking brilliant, this was. :D

[rebness.livejournal.com]

Huzzah! Thanks! :D

[iskra667.livejournal.com]

Sub Blaine with his private school kink, lol! :D and Finn being weirdly turned on :D

Kurt feeling inadequate as a son is one of the saddest thing ever. Still, I bet Burt does not think of baseball cards when he angst about taking Carole out somewhere posh for some occasion or other, and he's grateful for a gay son then! You so need to write Burt getting a makeover before a date or something :D and being all gruffly embarassed about it :D

[iskra667.livejournal.com]

And I so need to find myself a glee icon to comment on fics :( none of those glee kids know what the VC are, only us ancient hags! Icon fail shows my wrinkles!

[rebness.livejournal.com]

Pfft, going on the people on my FB going to Glee live this week in Manchester, I'm guessing the average age of Glee fans is about 35 right now! ;)

You're my VC hunny

[iskra667.livejournal.com]

Oh sweet! snap a sexy pic of Chris for me ;)

[rebness.livejournal.com]

Aww, cute! Yeah, I love the Kurt/Burt relationship. Burt appreciates him for what he is. <3

[denisitap.livejournal.com]

Amazing. A+

[saffronlie.livejournal.com]

Ahahahahahahahahabhahahahahaahahha you wrote Glee fic. It was cute, though.

[prosen8966.livejournal.com]

So, so loved this!!

Loved that people thought Kurt was Finn's caregiver, loved that Finn was oblivious to Will's crush, loved the entire sequence with Blaine (most especially 'TUNNEL!'), loved Finn's obsession with food, the wildly different gifts the two boys picked out, Kurt's flailing emotions b'c of his jealousy over his dad (with his keen awareness of Finn's lack of a father figure): basically , loved everything!

Think you should write lots, lots more for Glee!

[marvystoop.livejournal.com]

I DID LOTS OF LAUGHS.

The Blaine prank was my favourite, ha!