Originally posted to Tumblr, not directed at you guys

[rebness]

So my friend came knocking on my door at 1am last night, frightened out of her wits and asking if she could stay the night because she’d made the terrible error of speaking with her male neighbour and trusting him not to try and sexually assault her when he was in her house. Even as she cried and threatened to call the police if he didn’t leave, he demanded to know why she’d invited him into her house in the first place, as if he’s some fucking vampire and she was in a horror novel.

Of course, because someone was hammering on my own door at 1am last night, I had first tried to hush my barking dog because I was initially afraid someone had come to hurt me.

I had to sit up with her and calm her down and explain, again and again, that it wasn’t her fault, she doesn’t owe him anything and that I won’t hold with victim-blaming. It breaks my heart that a well-educated psychologist still was shocked that she wasn’t being automatically blamed for what had happened.

When you men’s rights clowns rant about feminism going ‘too far’ and how we privileged western women need to shut the fuck up because we’re equal now and things are fine, please come visit me so I can punch you in the fucking face.

Comments

[cloudsinvenice]

God damn it, god damn it, god damn it. ::hug:: I'm so sorry, both that she went through that and that you had the secondary fear you did. Someone reblogged something yesterday, attributed to Margaret Atwood, that really struck me as true - that men fear women will laugh at them, and women fear them men will kill them.

It's just... you can't even have a conversation with these fucking hardcore MRAs, not when we're viewing the world down opposite ends of the telescope. And I don't think they remotely want to come around and look from our side. Fortunately not everyone is so indoctrinated - I have to believe that there are kneejerk idiots parroting MRA stuff because they're young, inexperienced and some guy they admire for other reasons says it. Those, I hope we can influence.

Also, what you say about her background in psychology is really important - no matter how much we know intellectually, we're all being constantly fed the idea that we must be accommodating, apologetic, back down; and it is really hard to resist that programming. Thank god she had you to turn to. <3

(Btw, I'm really glad you re-posted it here - I'm sure I miss a lot of stuff on Tumblr and I certainly hadn't seen this!)

[rebness]

All of the above, bb.

I think your final point is what shocked me most. She's very clever, she of course can read social texts, and yet she still expected me to have a go at her for ~leading him in. It's so horrible, and I felt genuinely awful all day because it's no longer some philosophical argument for me so much as a frightening, almost sleepless night.

I really love the area where I live and it feels a little tainted right now, though of course it could have happened anywhere in a world with MRA clowns. I consider myself an angry person who will stick up for myself, but late at night, in my pyjamas, all 5 foot 3 of me? I was deeply afraid when I heard that hammering at the door.

My elder brother actually was fantastic and ranted about how he can't stand that women can't feel safe and that you'll get men like this who think you owe them something. He's totally learned all this from me and my pointing him to great discourse about feminism, but it's interesting (if depressing) that the internet helps better with educating us than any academic texts.

Thank you for the well wishes, and your thoughtful reply.

[ozfille]

Yes it is strange how the male mind works. I remember years ago, I was at home with a bad cold and this guy knocked on the door and asked for water. I got him a glass of water and we had a brief conversation and he asked me where I worked and I said for the government and then he grabbed me and tried to push me into the flat and tried to kiss me saying something about prostitutes working for the government. After a few seconds of shock I snapped out of it and fought him off and pushed him out the door. I have still to make the connection between saying I worked for the government and his assumption that I was a prostitute. I don't think I look like one, but then what does a prostitute look like? I'm sure there are a great range of women who work in the sex industry and they are quite differently dressed and with a whole range of looks. Not sure daggy trackie daks and a sloppy joe signals "prostitute" immediately, but then with some men their minds work in mysterious ways far from any known logic. Like the story of a guy the other week who kidnapped his 16-year-old estranged girlfriend and their baby and while pummeling her face told her it was all her fault and he was doing this because he loved her.